When Someone You Love Has Cancer 

I'm a Survivor

The Unspoken C-Word

Cancer was never something I thought much about—until it became personal. The diagnosis forced me to reflect on how I’ve perceived and dealt with others facing this disease. I remember my parents and older relatives talking about the 'c-word' in hushed tones as if saying it aloud could make it suddenly loom up like the monster it was thought to be. It wasn’t dinner table conversation, and discussing it openly was often seen as inappropriate. A close friend of mine, a medical professional, lost her father to cancer when she was young. Even though he passed away 30 years ago, her mother still prefers to say he died of a heart attack rather than acknowledge cancer. What is it about cancer that carries such a stigma?

The Fear Factor: Why Cancer Scares Us

Perhaps it’s because the causes of cancer are often unclear, and many view it as a death sentence. As Susan Sontag noted, cancer is often felt to be “obscene—in the original meaning of that word: ill-omened, abominable, and repugnant to the senses.” The stigma surrounding cancer can profoundly affect those diagnosed, making them feel vulnerable and out of control. Treatments can lead to visible changes like hair loss or scars, adding to the stigma.

The Unknowns: When Knowledge is Scarce

It seems that people often attach fear or stigma to conditions they don’t fully understand. Sometimes, their reactions are shaped by personal experiences, which unfortunately influence how they behave toward someone with cancer. But that’s not always the case, not all people are at a loss at what to say to a person who has cancer. Since my breast cancer diagnosis in 2012, I’ve been incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends who have shown nothing but care and compassion. I did also kick off the news with a pre-cancer announcement party. There was cake, drinks,, snacks, interspersed with awkward silences and a few whispers when they thought I was out of earshot. The one thing that was banned...was tears! Nope, no tears or sadness allowed in my journey to kick cancer to the kerb.

Life Lessons: From Pain to Purpose

Everyone’s journey is unique. Mine has been filled with lessons in love and loss. There were times when the pain felt unbearable, and I didn’t want to go on. My journey has been long and challenging—believe me, I nearly lost my way many times. But in those moments of despair, the recurring question of “Why me?” prompted me to share the lessons I’ve learned through pain, loss, and grief.

What I discovered wasn’t just optimism—it was a deep-rooted determination to keep moving forward, no matter how difficult the path. I didn’t just hope for a better outcome; I was committed to making it happen. For me, it wasn’t about seeing the glass as half full; it was about finding the strength to fill it up again.

Every challenge I faced became a test of my resolve. I refused to let setbacks define me. Instead of dwelling on what was going wrong, I focused on what I could do to make it right. It wasn’t just about looking for silver linings; it was about digging deep, pushing through the darkest moments, and finding a way to the other side. I learned that perseverance, not blind optimism, was the key to my survival.

I wasn’t content with just surviving—I was determined to thrive. Each step forward was a testament to my resilience, a choice to continue despite the odds. I didn’t just imagine how things could get better; I worked relentlessly to make them better. There were no guarantees,

Humor: The Best Medicine?

Humor has been one of my most important coping mechanisms. I’ve seen the shocked expressions on my friends’ and family’s faces when I crack jokes about cancer. It’s not just an attempt to make light of my situation but a way to take my mind off the stigma and lighten the mood around me. However, let the person with cancer take the lead when it comes to humor. If they find something funny, like hair loss, join them in a laugh. But don’t joke unless you’re sure they can handle it and appreciate the humor. I can!

Compliments and Compassion

When the person with cancer looks good, let them know! But be truthful—cancer patients can be sensitive about their appearance. Avoid comments like “You’re looking pale” or “You’ve lost weight.” If I’ve lost weight, tell me—I consider that a good thing! Remember, they’re likely very aware of any changes in their appearance and may feel embarrassed if people point them out.

Stories: Helpful or Hurtful?

It’s usually best not to share stories about others who have had cancer. Everyone’s experience is different, and these stories may not be helpful. Instead, you can let them know you’re familiar with cancer because you’ve been through it with someone else and then let them steer the conversation.

Lending a Hand: What You Can Do

When offering help, it’s important to ask the person with cancer what they need. Some people may welcome your help, while others may not. However, isolation is a common feeling for someone with cancer, so it’s important to make an effort to reach out. I’ve been blessed with support from family and friends, and their assistance has come in various forms:

- Running errands

- Grocery shopping

- Providing transportation

- Bringing flowers, magazines, books, or DVDs

- Giving full-body massages

- Collecting prescriptions

You might also offer to:

- Help with household chores, like vacuuming or dusting

- Clean, wash dishes, or do laundry

- Water plants

- Cook and freeze meals

- Help with children or pets

- Accompanying them to their next chemotherapy session  (can take an hour to 3 hours)

Any offer of help will be appreciated if the person with cancer is willing to accept it. Don’t be upset if your offer is turned down; sometimes, they don’t know what will help.

The Power of Presence

Just be yourself and try not to worry about doing things the "right" way. Let your words and actions come from your heart. Your compassion and genuine care are the most important things you can express to someone who has cancer right now.